My chronic pain has led me down the road of heart ache, suffering, depression and hopelessness. Every day is a struggle and finding a reason to keep fighting doesn’t always come easy.
Every night I go to bed wondering what the next day will bring. I feel like a failure because I’m unable to work or contribute and the responsibility has fallen solely on my husband. It hurts me to see him working so hard to support our family, I know he loves us but I feel as though he’s being punished because me.
Pain can break down even the strongest person and it takes you into the darkest areas of your mind. It feeds on your depression and is fueled by your desire to give up.
Most people’s initial reaction when I express my frustration or tell them I can’t go on this way is that I’m somewhat suicidal. They judge me instead of hearing me out or being supportive.
I think everyone, both healthy and sick, has wished for a better life at one point in time. So why is it that when I do the same, I’m categorized and scrutinized?
Who wouldn’t want to live a pain-free life?
Yes, I hate my situation at times. I get angry and want to scream when I can’t do something as simple as getting out of bed. But, I love my life. I love who I am in spite of my health conditions. I feel as though I’ve been given a purpose and if I can help just one person with something I’ve learned, then I’ve made a difference.
I don’t always talk about what I’m going through because I know it may scare people away. So when I do decide to share a glimpse of that world, I don’t expect others to have all the right answers. I’m just looking for an outlet.
I can’t always control how I feel. I’m going to have good days and bad days. I may cry, pour my heart out or vent until I’m blue in the face. I’m not asking for someone to fix my problems or make them all go away. I’m asking for understanding and a nonjudgmental forum to express myself.
Arlene Grau lives in Lakewood, California. She suffers from rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, lupus, migraine, vasculitis, and Sjogren’s disease.
The information in this column is not intended to be considered as professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Only your doctor can do that! It is for informational purposes only and represent the author’s personal experiences and opinions alone. It does not inherently or expressly reflect the views, opinions and/or positions of National Pain Report or Microcast Media.