Why do I have chronic pain?

Why do I have chronic pain?

When you have chronic pain, you constantly theorize and rationalize why you were “chosen”, “cursed”, or “afflicted” with such agony. Some use science and medicine (I typically do), and others turn to religion and spirituality. I found myself remembering the “Flood” narrative from the Bible:

“The Lord saw how great the wickedness of the human race had become on the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time. ​6 ​The Lord regretted that he had made human beings on the earth, and his heart was deeply troubled. ​7 ​So the Lord said, “I will wipe from the face of the earth the human race I have created—and with them the animals, the birds and the creatures that move along the ground—for I regret that I have made them.”

Katelyn O’Leary

God sees great evil in man and decides to destroy his creation and start over. He promises in the end to never do it again, but like many who have read the bible – I believe this story to be allegorical. Was there a great flood? Possibly. But did God cease in his destruction of mankind? Absolutely not.

Pain is the destroyer of worlds. Emotional, physical, and psychological. A flood of emotions can cause an earthquake to erupt inside of us. Our bodies breaking down in agony can feel like the end of times. And our minds losing their hold on reality – what is that if not our world breaking a part?

Human beings experience pain on an individual, communal, and mass level. We learn from pain, we suffer, and in our agony we attempt to understand the conditions in which our bodies are being withheld from us. The constant question of “Why? Why? Why?” Ripping through our throats and minds – always searching for answers.

Maybe I’m just tired and I’m grasping at straws. Maybe I read too much. Maybe my imagination is getting the best of me.

But I have spent the past 6 months trying to understand why someone would end their world when it was filled with love. And now in their absence, only pain remains. And now I am trying to contend with a close friend losing their partner of 10 years – and watching from afar, knowing I can do nothing but listen. Listen and theorize.

So many worlds shattered, but I know that the only person I can rely on for help is myself. The people who love you don’t need theories, or pretty words: they need you.

Subscribe to our blog via email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Authored by: Katie O’Leary

18
Leave a Reply

2000
18 Comment threads
0 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
16 Comment authors
  Subscribe  
newest oldest
Notify of
Dave

My father was ulta-religious as lay minister of a Babtist church. He was also way abusive in multiple ways. I found out decades later post finding him he was often deciding if beating me or my 1.5yrs older brother to death was merited. That’s why it seemed such and almost older brother 1x.
I’ve lived in pain over a quarter century. This past week after seeing my latest surgeon I just stayed in my car. I was tired and in despair. I went over the ways to end this foolishness. I was angry too. I’d given my best to contribute and create function. I was to be dead or in prison by 21yrs. I’m 62. I’ve protected many women with beginning skills leaned first as a not nice guy when young. The first female at 13yrs. Guy could have ended me. Learned multi table’s USAF, to grad school. What more? As said, life isn’t fair. Dad, now 83 asked advice. Would his God have compassion if he ended his suffering? Told him if I have compassion given what he did to me, and especially my older bro, Yes. Such a God would have to have more compassion than me. In his world that god created me.

Phyllis Martino

This is not a reply to this posting, it is a reply to a previous one regarding what characteristics you should be aware of in physicians you see to treat your pain.
.
I have been dealing with daily and chronic pain for 22 years. It’s always at a 6-8 level. I do have periods of time with no pain, an hour here or there.

I have made the choice to not become an invalid, which could easily happen. I make the choice every day regardless of my pain level to put on makeup, do my hair and dress well.

I honestly feel that when I relate my pain experiences and pain level, I have been given “the look” that says to me, ” she can’t possibly be in that much pain, she’s just here for drugs”. Anyone else experience the same thing?

Keep on being the warriors we all need to be.

Phyllis Martino

Rosalind Rivera

I am a chronic and intractable pain warrior but I have to say that for the most part our pain is our own doing We make terrible and most times terrible decisions in our youth. The Lord created us perfectly, with absolutely no flaws yet we went ahead and began a suicide vicious cycle of self destruction. Even our parents made terrible decisions that in the end caused undo pain and sffering to us, we continued and cycle and through our behaviour passed those negative wrongdoings but our children.
I suffer terribly day and night. The pain never ceases. I remember my mother being sick and in pain. One of my children has horrible uncontrollable Asthma as well s Diabetes and worse of all Sarcoidosis. He suffers terribly and somewhere down the line, these genes were passed down to him as well e those passed down to me. We then compound these infirmities by choosing the wrong lifestyles as will their children. Where or when will it all stop? It won’t! This is the way we are conditioned, the innate tendencies towards self destruction. I have some of the issues either passed down, contracted from someone else etc… however, I am guilty as I have brought some of these issues on myself and no one is to blame but me.
Please, understand that I am the father rat to acknowledge that our suffering is real and it’s devastating but only we can take control. Look, look and the Look for The doctor that will help and then do whatever is necessary to help the pain. I have taken a step towards a new for me remedy that is helping but it’s not a traditionally prescribed method. I suggest that any stigma phobia be thrown out the window. I’ve struggled with this stigma all of my life but this passed weekend after being in horrible pain since I was in my 30s and am now nearing 68, turned to medically prescribed Medical Cannabis.
I strongly suggest watch the HIDDEN WITHIN 7/1 hr series. The Science of Miracles. Tonight is series 6 but you can request those missed. It will change lives

Robert

If what I have written bothers you, please do your own research. My point is that we cannot count on a corrupt system to do what is morally right. We can only count on ourselves and our Saviour, which in my humble opinion is coming back, but this time as a Lion.

Only by the grace of God go I and I realize it. I feel saddened by many of our fellow sufferers that have been placed in an impossible situation to make a discussion that should never have had to contemplate in the first place. Everyone’s situation is different, just as there should be no set amount of pain medication for everyone.

God bless each and everyone, both pain warrior and caregiver.

Robert

Many of us that suffer from CP have contemplated suicide to end the illegal, illogical and unbelievable way in which our government has handled this imaginary opioid epidemic. I suggest this entire highly organized and choreographed tragedy was implemented by the powers that run our nation.

I like many others believe that major corporations (including Big Pharma) work in concert to push social issues all for the simple reason that it makes them stinking rich. Our nation has been involved in narcotics trafficking since WWII when the O.S.S. saved SS-Obergruppenführer Karl Wolff, Chief of Personal Staff Reichsführer-SS Himmler and SS Liaison Officer to Hitler from the gallows. His trump card was leading the O.S.S. to the Nazi’s entire hidden stash of Morphine at the end of the war.

Most of us still remember the Vietnam War, but does everyone know about the CIA’s operation Air America and the Golden Triangle? This region was the major producer of Heroin for organized crime and a cash cow for our government’s black operations to fight communism. Of course having it ultimately end up on American streets remains a mystery.

Beginning on the mid 90’s, our health care system came up with the 5th vital sign that compelled Physicians to address under-treated pain with opiates and by the early part of the 21 century, made it punishable for not doing so.

Now enter to the stage our war in Afghanistan. Since 2001 we again hold a monopoly on 90% of the world’s production of Opium. The country has steady increased Poppy production with no end in sight of us ever leaving. Why do you ask?

I could go into greater historical detail, but this is quite enough to draw a conclusion that nefarious individuals have a vested interest in keeping the War on Drugs continuing at the cost of Chronic Pain Patients, many of who are Baby Boomers set to go into retirement and collect on the largest payout of Social Security benefits our country cannot afford to pay.

S.M.

You want to know “…why someone would end their world when it was filled with love.” I can answer that.

People turn to suicide when their pain is too much for them to bear. They have tried every procedure, every available therapy, and nothing has helped. They know their condition will never improve, and very likely will get worse. Pain has taken over their entire existence. When there is no hope for recovery, no quality of life, and their future holds nothing but more pain, suicide is the *only* light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel.

At the point when someone turns to suicide, all that person can think about is their pain. They aren’t thinking about their family or job, or how many people love them and need them. They are desperate and solely focused on putting a stop to their pain.

All the love in the world can’t give them what they need the most: an end to their suffering.

My father committed suicide in 2007. He was in his mid 70s, with multiple serious health issues and intractable chronic pain. He and I talked about his situation multiple times in the months leading up to his suicide. He was very concise and logical in assessing his situation, and in spite of myself, I had to agree with him. He had no hope of improving his health (he was actually getting worse), he was suffering, and he didn’t want to end up in a nursing home, where he would continue to suffer. He chose to exercise the last bit of control he had over his pain, and his life.

Just because I understood his reasoning and agreed with it doesn’t mean I liked it. And yes, even though I knew it was coming, it was traumatic to get that phone call. I’m saddened beyond measure that suicide was all that was left for him. I wish that knowing he was loved had been enough to keep him from killing himself, but love wasn’t going to fix his body or take away his pain. The only consolation, to me, is that he’s not suffering anymore.

I am a christian and I accepted Jesus Christ as savior when I was seventeen years old, I will be sixty years old on Apr. 5th. I believe the bible is true and is Gods word. I have lived in pain for as long as I can remember. But I must say that I often wish God would have taken me instead of my brother when he was two years old. I consider my brother the lucky one. I do not have pain treatment and each time I am turned away with no help I lose a little more hope. Along with that hope I lose more trust for any pain doctor. The anger builds that we are treated so badly and with little regard as to how we feel or what pain does to us. Then we are judged for being human and having that anger. Then it is suggested we go to a pain psychologist to learn coping skills. To me the thought of going to a psychologist is nothing more than obedience school. Have never seen one and do not want to. I just want my pain treated. I know my Lord has not left or forgotten me but it does nothing to alleviate my pain or the growing hopelessness because of my pain. I wish I could get in the boat (Jesus) and leave for a far better shore(heaven). So tired of living in pain. I agree GOD HELP US ALL BECAUSE I DO NOT THINK ANYBODY ELSE WILL OR CARES. Just call me fed up.

Robert

If there is any question about evil’s influence in our country, let alone the world, Congressmen Vern Buchanan and Ted Deutch have introduced the Preventing Animal Cruelty and Torture (PACT) Act to outlaw and prosecute those involved in the abuse and killing of animals. If judged guilty, someone could spend 7 years in a federal prison.
What does it take when a society offers superior protection to animals and mitigates the torture of human beings?
For me, my faith in God is the only way I survive the total insanity this world offers.

Katie, please hold on and keep faith, because He is coming back again.

Sunshine

Perhaps you need to find a Bible and read a little more.

dis may

I do not ask why I have chronic pain. I know why. I had two abusive negligent parents; physically abusive, emotionally abusive and utterly negligent. If one wasn’t doing harm the other was unconscious. It was awful.
So I worked hard to lead a better life. I worked hard to be a better parent. No drugs or alcohol. I studied hard in college, graduate school, I solved problems that came to my attention. I learned to ask for help. I work hard.
I am pissed. I am tired of people picking on me.It is simply a fact that abuse in childhood leads to abuse in adulthood. Abuse in childhood damages the human body & causes increased vulnerability in adulthood. My problems with autoimmune disease and inflammation are due to childhood abuse. My parents are not the only people I hold accountable; our society is a MESS. Blame is a weapon, all it does is cause harm; I have no use for it. I simply acknowledge as facts that my grandparents could have made a huge difference and in fact had a great deal to do with the outcomes their children perpetrated upon me. I note the social ills that I may have some ability to influence.Positively.
SO: as an adult I have tried to be responsible, to care for people, to be good to myself. I will keep caring for others and I will keep fighting for myself. I am honest & angry. I do not like the pain. I do not like getting kicked around because other people know I’m ill and cannot defend myself. I certainly do not respect such people and they could care less who I respect. They got some things I worked hard for by stealing from me. They think that is the last laugh, as if my earnings somehow reflected their own deficiencies. I think that is stupid. Hard work only benefits me. No one can steal that. I regret not a day of it. I am confident that those who steal from me pay for this action in some way. I don’t need to be the one who calls them to account. I choose to believe in and most importantly think for myself. I want to get better.

Kris Aaron

“So many worlds shattered, but I know that the only person I can rely on for help is myself. The people who love you don’t need theories, or pretty words: they need you.”

I’m confused. As a chronic pain patient, do the people I love need me? What if the “me” they love has disappeared in a wad of agony? What is left to love when all I can focus on is making the suffering stop?
Do I really need the people I love if they aren’t helping me end this nightmare of pain?
Physical pain destroys the mind. Horrific animal experiments and the records from Dachau and Auschwitz have proven that, along with biopsies on cadaver brains.
Am I supposed to fight to stay alive because people who loved me when I wasn’t begging for relief want me to continue like this? Does anyone really believe the fantasy that “things will get better” when our damaged bodies and the current opioid hysteria show they’re continuing to get worse?
The people making the decisions to deny us pain relief don’t have to experience the consequences of their bad decisions on a daily basis. When we try to confront them, security hauls us off in handcuffs. Our families and friends have to be as sick of our issues and suffering as we are.
What is the benefit to continuing to survive like this?

Patricia Bradley

Life happens..there is thousands of things that can cause chronic pain..damaged cells hurt..what I want to know is why we are still being made to suffer when there are medications that have been proven to help us.
This isn’t about addiction any more..this has taken a new turn on the rights of millions of people.

Cindy too

I never question why I was chosen to have pain and I just had 2 of the worst days I’ve ever had in 11 years.

I don’t question it b/c life is not fair. Period.

Why are people born in horrid countries like North Korea or Afghanistan or so many others? Afghanistan where women who dont’ wear a burka get acid thrown of their face. North Korea where people starve and you be arrested simply for not wearing your hair cut the way the Dear Leader requires. Countries so poor that children, from a super young age, spend their lives living on massive heaps of trash, trying to find things to eat or sell. We are so lucky to have been born in a developed, democratic country and not in some awful, poverty-stricken dictatorship.

Then there are all the horrid illnesses and tragedies that even people in developed democracies face every day. Losing your wife b/c a drunk driver ran a stop sign. Losing your child b/c someone with a too-easy-to-access gun invaded her school. ALS. etc.

Life is unfair. Countless millions, if not a few billion, people suffer horribly for all sorts of reasons.

And it’s no mystery to me that at some point the pain, physical and/or emotional, becomes so bad that ending life is the only rational escape, even though we may be loved. And if our loved ones really love us, they will understand that we can’t bear to live any more and won’t want our suffering to continue.

If I lose access to my meds, I couldn’t live any more. I already feel tortured most days, with meds. I couldnt’ stand the endless horrific pain w/o them.

Thank goodness that some states have legalized assisted suicide. Although I’m sure those laws apply only to terminal illnesses and not to chronic pain. But at least those laws are a start.

Former NPR host Diane Rehm is a huge advocate for legal assisted suicide. She watched her husband suffer for years with Parkinsons, and when he wanted to die and she wanted to help him, she couldn’t legally.

J.D.

When you think of a constant non-stop pain that makes minutes feel like hours, hours feel like days etc. If you get to the point of months and then years then some people don’t feel like they have a life at all. You add to that feeling of hopelessness the doctors that don’t care and the friends and family that have fallen by the wayside or bailed for a multitude of reasons which you eventually understand because you can’t stand being around yourself. You feel useless and just a drain on everyone and everything and you decide that maybe the idea of just stopping feeling would be a relief since it is the only relief you can think of because not only have you tried drugs and had operations that you said you would never consider doing but also how long are you supposed to keep hanging on for something that just doesn’t appear to be real.

These are dark thoughts but are also truths to some.

Maureen M.

HI Katie, this is yet another excellent post of yours. Thank you! I relate to it 100%. Your last line hit me! Very poignant! Keep strong and God bless your friends. Maureen M.
ps I like the new pic of you!

Bella

God please help us in pain. God we beg you, please.

Holly

I am so sorry….God Bless you.

Steven

The government has done this to us so we might end up in some dirty hotel room. A week of medicine in the place of four. The families are sick of our pain as we are. They would just as well see us get it over. At this point the flood story of the bible is one of getting ln the boat. GOD HELP US.