When you have chronic pain, you constantly theorize and rationalize why you were “chosen”, “cursed”, or “afflicted” with such agony. Some use science and medicine (I typically do), and others turn to religion and spirituality. I found myself remembering the “Flood” narrative from the Bible:
“The Lord saw how great the wickedness of the human race had become on the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time. 6 The Lord regretted that he had made human beings on the earth, and his heart was deeply troubled. 7 So the Lord said, “I will wipe from the face of the earth the human race I have created—and with them the animals, the birds and the creatures that move along the ground—for I regret that I have made them.”
God sees great evil in man and decides to destroy his creation and start over. He promises in the end to never do it again, but like many who have read the bible - I believe this story to be allegorical. Was there a great flood? Possibly. But did God cease in his destruction of mankind? Absolutely not.
Pain is the destroyer of worlds. Emotional, physical, and psychological. A flood of emotions can cause an earthquake to erupt inside of us. Our bodies breaking down in agony can feel like the end of times. And our minds losing their hold on reality - what is that if not our world breaking a part?
Human beings experience pain on an individual, communal, and mass level. We learn from pain, we suffer, and in our agony we attempt to understand the conditions in which our bodies are being withheld from us. The constant question of “Why? Why? Why?” Ripping through our throats and minds - always searching for answers.
Maybe I’m just tired and I’m grasping at straws. Maybe I read too much. Maybe my imagination is getting the best of me.
But I have spent the past 6 months trying to understand why someone would end their world when it was filled with love. And now in their absence, only pain remains. And now I am trying to contend with a close friend losing their partner of 10 years - and watching from afar, knowing I can do nothing but listen. Listen and theorize.
So many worlds shattered, but I know that the only person I can rely on for help is myself. The people who love you don’t need theories, or pretty words: they need you.